Only my close family and friends know that Luke and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last 13 months, or 16 "cycles" if you will. Infertility is never something I thought we would struggle with. We have gotten pregnant 3 times with no trouble at all (the first ended in miscarriage), so of course a year ago when we started our journey of trying to conceive we assumed it would be the same way. Golly were we wrong.
Without going into the details of everything that has happened, I just wanted to share a scripture that struck me tonight as I was reading the blog of a girl I went to school with (in fact I think we were both in that English class I mentioned earlier):
"Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee" (Hebrews 13:5).
I realized as I read that scripture that I have been very occupied with what we don't have, and leaving very little time to be content and grateful for what we do have. Of course this isn't the first time this has occurred to me during this whole process, but it is a good reminder for me to be better at living in the "here and now" instead of yearning for what is to come. It's a hard balance to find while trying to conceive, but I know I can do better at it.
That being said, my blessings are plenty. I have a wonderfully devoted (and smokin hot) husband who loves me and treats me like gold. I have two beautiful, healthy, funny (read crazy) children who fill my days with laughter and happiness, ups and downs, and stretch me in ways that I wouldn't find outside of motherhood. My family is my greatest source of light and I am so grateful for them! Above all I have the knowledge of a loving Heavenly Father who listens to and answers my prayers; who knows what I have need of before I even ask for it. I know Jesus Christ's infinite Atonement covers everything I am going through and will continue to go through. How grateful I have been for that knowledge during all of this. Although it has been hard trying to understand why we would be facing this trial, I can say that I truly am grateful for the things that I have learned through everything and how it has brought Luke and I closer than we ever have been before.
A hymn that has played over and over in my mind for the last year or so is "The Lord Is My Light" which says:
The Lord is my Light; then why should I fear?
By day and by night his presence is near.
He is my salvation from sorrow and sin;
This blessed assurance the Spirit doth bring.
The Lord is my Light;
He is my joy and my song.
By day and by night he leads,
He leads me along.
My heart is full tonight. I feel so blessed. I know all my blog posts won't always be so serious or heart-felt, but tonight I feel to rejoice, so thank you for bearing with me as I shared some of my innermost thoughts.
XOXO
